Comedy

Strangest Search Terms 2: May – December

Back in April, I took a look at some of the stranger search terms to lead to my blog.
I’ve decided to do the same again…

jordan rhodes yorkshireman

I think everyone from Yorkshire introduces themselves in that way.

chinless will

I get a few hits for ‘chinless’ because of a Walking Dead still I yoinked from somewhere, but I’m still surprised at the number of people who search for the word ‘chinless’.

lego evacuation of dunkirk

I don’t think we really did enough to get all the lego pieces out of occupied France. God rest their souls.

michael bay is awful

I’m pleased to see that this seems to be getting a few hits.

chinless person

As I’ve said, this is a fairly common search term.

do you like my crits yes they’re natural

Less so.

hulk share lyriks bruno mars iwanna be biilion

Hulk no more smash, Hulk reformed man. Hulk share lyrics to amusing songs!

robot asimov

There’s nothing strange about this term, given how much he wrote about robots (and invented a fairly ingenious Three Laws of Robotics). But it gave me the idea of Isaac Asimov living on in a robot body, which I think is pretty cool.

bruno mars wealth says he’s a billionaire

And if he’s not, he’s a dirty liar. Everyone should be held accountable for the things they say in songs. Bob Marley died without serving his life sentence, but there’s still time to lock up Tom Jones.

bride prostitute

Is this intended as a feminist statement, marriage, is like prostitution, that kind of thing?

travie mccoy write his own music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That depends what you mean by ‘write’. I’m fairly sure he’ll have transcribed his music at some point.

warwick davis seems nice

Glad I’m not the only one to think so. Despite some noticeably artificial and predictable plot twists, and a few characters who don’t act like any humans, a worrying number of people seem to have thought Life’s Too Short was a documentary.

gilf

Think about that.

pauos porno

Earlier in the year, I got hits for ‘smokink pauos lesbies kom’, which I noted sounded a bit like mis-spelt dirty words. Is this more of the same?

mel brooks on how i met your mother

I’ve got tags for both of these, and I’ve had a few hits for the pair combined – I really liked the episode of Mad About You he guest starred in, and his film work is genius.
I really want to see him guest star on HIMYM, and I’m sad that this doesn’t exist yet.

baseball square

I used this as a joke in a review of Moneyball – glad to see I wasn’t accidentally being original.

lego man doing coke

The idea amused me, so I did an image search, but couldn’t find anything. Disturbingly, one of the suggestions was ‘lego man doing a poo’.
I didn’t click on that.

who does matthew briggs talk to on twitter

I talk to him occasionally. Apparently he’s either got a stalker, or an overprotective mother.

samuel johnson quote “no manbut a blockhead ever wrotebut formoney.”

Unlike me you’ve got the quote right. You may want to put a few spaces in though.

cleveland show zombie

Is that because it lurches on when by all logic it should have been dead long ago?

fc blog women in boyfriend google search

I’m trying to figure out if ‘women in boyfriend’ is meant to be dirty.
But it’s not necessary to type ‘google search’ into the google search bar.

events 2012 mk dons jehovah’s witnesses

Well, crowds at MK Dons FC are only growing gradually, so going door to door could be the next option.

rev adam smallbone fanfiction

Rev. is absolutely fantastic, probably the best downbeat ‘Office’ style realist comedy in the past few years. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s inspired a bit of fanfiction.

citizen khan fanfiction

Oh, please God, no.

lifes too short to fall out meaning

Well…it means that life is relatively short, so it’s a waste to spend it mad at people you like.
Though if you didn’t find it self-explanatory, I’m not sure that my explanation will be all that helpful…

episode of how i met your mother where ross kisses rachel

There’s a few searches that seem to be riffs on ‘Friends and How I met your Mother are the same show’ but this is probably my favourite.

don’t tell me to be quiet

Wow – that might actually be someone specifically searching for my writing! I’m probably more flattered by that than I should be…

denofgeek.com the batman offside

If Batman does play football, I doubt he’d be caught offside. He probably has something on his utility belt to prevent it.

sitcom slippers

Is that slippers to be worn while watching a sitcom?
Or has someone tried to search for something they saw on TV, and tried to narrow it down by adding that they saw it on a sitcom?

4 person sack race

Is that a sack race between four people, or four people in the same sack trying to jump forward at the same time? If it’s the latter, it’s something I’d like to see.

messi was stalked by fabio capello

I quite like the mental image of Fabio Capello sneaking round the bushes after little Leo Messi. He’ll have to hope Messi doesn’t have a sudden burst of pace.

analyze friends epidsodes

I’ve analysed one in the past and intend to analyse more Friends epidsodes at some point soon.

the real billie bean

I’m not sure who this is, but she’s not my lover.

“used her beauty to”my pet” “beg me”

??

how much is graham westley money worth

I’m not quite sure on this, but his family had a pretty successful business, which he built up further in a break between being a footballer and a football manager. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s worth a few million.

followup to afrika reich by guy saville?

There’s a few searches along this line – Guy Saville is writing a sequel, though I’ve tried to steer clear of specific details. If you want them, he seems to update his facebook page pretty regularly.

citizen khan funny

We’ll have to agree to disagree there.

snyder’s beat sheet does it work for tv

I can’t see why not, but I’ve not looked at any specific episodes yet. The difference would be that, with TV, you already know the characters and the basic set-up at the beginning, so there’s no need to go through all the steps.

what dose a real devil

The devil would use the wrong dose, either so it does nothing, or does too much. Satan’s a meanie like that.

difference between all is lost and dark knight of the soul beat sheet

In ‘All is lost’, the hero realises something really bad has happened, the ground has been whipped out from under them. In the latter section, the hero is moping, lost, unsure how to recover from what’s just happened.
Though I do love the idea of ‘dark knight’ of the soul.

anthemion storylines software review

I’ve not written a review for this, and I don’t know where there is one. But Anthemion Storylines (which I got as part of Writer’s Cafe) basically runs on the idea of arranging plot points in a story you’re writing, with each plot point on a post-it note. But with Storylines being a computer programme, you can put things away safely, rearrange the order of ideas to see what works better, safe in the knowledge you can easily change it back. I find it useful.

does edgar david play for tranmere rovers

No, but Eugene Dadi, a muscular and dreadlocked forward who looks fairly similar, did… a lot longer ago than I remembered, actually.
Edgar Davids plays, and manages, Barnet – the Football League’s bottom side.

is asimov’s story eyes do more than see in public domain

I wouldn’t have thought so – in Britain rights stay with the author’s estate until 70 years after death, and I’d assume there’s something similar in America.

episode of men behaving badly when the blender

When the blender does what? I need to know!

dan snyder beat sheet

It’s actually Blake Snyder’s beat sheet – Dan Snyder is the director.
My main point of reference to Dan Snyder is Mark Kermode’s impression of him, so that idea amused me a bit. Also, I realised when I was searching for the video that Dan Snyder is actually called Zack Snyder, and Dan Snyder owns the Washington Redskins. They’re a talented family, the Snyders.

ross and rachel take a break opinions

I’m entirely on Rachel’s side. And not just because she’s pretty.

i am gulliver who has landed in the strange india of lilliput write a diary entry expressing feelings

The original opening to Gulliver’s Travels was perhaps a little too literal.

barnet fc+debt

Equals relegation, probably.

jonathan swift flows have little flows

This sounds almost like a zen riddle.

warick davis is a dick!

He always seems really decent in interviews, and has a similar reputation. Still, his character in Life’s Too Short is very punchable.

 

That’ll do for now, I think.

FootballOpinion

Dramatic Endings Good for England

Just a quick post to let you know I’ve written a post on Born Offside.

Today was the day of England’s first Euro 2012 match, and I’ve written a little thing about how the dramatic end to the domestic season could help England. The title was decided on the last day, Chelsea winning the European Cup against the odds, and Wigan going on a late run which was frankly unrealistic and badly written.

Click here to read Dramatic Endings

And, with Euro 2012 firmly underway, we at BornOffside have been covering the matches. My report of the Ukraine Sweden match is now up on the site.

My report of Ukraine vs Sweden

Comedy

Strangest Search Terms – November to April

One of the features of the WordPress dashboard is a list of the search terms that lead to the blog.
This means that if a search term brought you here, I can tell what you typed into Google, Yahoo or even Ask.com. Of course I could tell what you wanted anyway, as I’m an internet based telepath, but it’s interesting to see the terms people have used.
I’m planning to steal an idea I’ve seen over at 101 Books, and look at some search terms that the blog itself wasn’t able to match up. I’ll do what I can to help some of the people who were unfortunate enough to wash up on my shore when they had somewhere else to be, and try for a cheap laugh at some of the stranger terms.

no audience

No joke, this is one of the highest search term leading here. If it wasn’t enough that I don’t have much of an audience yet, I’m apparently most famous for not having an audience.

chinless people

Strange, but there’s always going to be one or two slightly unusual phrases turn up. Probably just a one off.

chinless

Oh.

michael bay is awful

I’m actually on the first page of results for this. Strange, I would have there’d be a lot of people talking about Michael Bay’s awfulness.
A tip for anyone looking to increase the number of hits to their blog – think of phrases you’d think would be fairly common, use Google to find the ones that aren’t, and use them as tags.

samantha beck daily mail

If she’s apparently trying to make a fortune out of being a windup merchant, saying the most outrageous things, I’m glad people are getting her name wrong. And I hope people continue to get Samantha Dreck’s name wrong.

did samantha brick

I’m afraid I don’t know, did she?

walking dead star trek

I’d not thought of it before, but that would make a great crossover. I’ve they use the current, young cast, they’ll have to give Scotty a cricket bat.

lego german men

What makes them German, specifically? Given the colour that they come in, I’m just glad people aren’t assuming they’re Chinese or Korean.

hartlepool united tall girl -ships

This seems like it’s two or three searches that got mixed up together.
A hint – delete the previous search before typing the new one.

chinless zombie

Not this again. Is this some sort of racial stereotype? Because if you’re a racist googler, I don’t think that racism’s very nice.

is warwick davis a jerk

I don’t think so. He was playing a jerk in Life’s Too Short, but seemed too nice to pull it off.

bananas behaving badly

Do they ever behave well? You turn your back for five minutes and they go all mushy.

chinless man

Okay, I’m going to deal with this.
Even though the people of NATION may look ridiculous, grouping them together is a little offensive. Yes, they do have that trait that is more developed than in people of other nations, but they are still people, and I’m sure there’d be one or two of your traits that make the same impression on them. One of the traits we, as outsiders, associate with the culture of NATION, in addition to their lack of chins, is their excessive spending/young workers in sweatshops/having stiff, unexpressive faces, but that doesn’t make them zombies.

https://noonebutabloghead.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/journalist.jpg

That’s a very specific search.

lego man sodger

I named my lego men with random sounds when I was growing up as well. I had a king Roshaff and a soldier called Elmff. Elmff took off his hair and put Roshaff’s crown on, and no-one could remember which one was which.

boyfriend chinless

Just because he’s your boyfriend, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be (possibly) racist towards him.

awkwardness of sex

Should I be glad that whoever this was got here, or worried about my reputation?

tescos promotional mix

Is this their equivelant of Woolworths’ Pick n Mix?

there is still doubt

Or is there?

lego man in space moves web

Is this a really low-budget scifi epic? Perhaps our hero has to battle a giant spacespider, who has spun a web that’s trapping Earth’s spaceships inside. Can the spacemen overcome the nefarious Spacespiders, or will they conquer the Earth? Den den dern!

wooden lego man

Part of me thinks this may be two sentences combined. What’s that you say doc, I have to use a wooden leg? Oh man!

best crossbow for the money 2011

I love the thought that there’s people wanting to buy outdated and horrifically dangerous medieval weapons, but who still want to spend their money wisely.

are plumbers needed in qatar for the world cup

I don’t know, but if they were, looking on a random WordPress blog would be the best place to find out.

smokink pauos lesbies kom

I can’t be certain, but three of those four words appear to be potentially dirty words spelled badly. Did someone’s search for porn end in disappointment?

smokink lesbies pauos kom

If at first you don’t succeed, rearrange the exact same words, and try again.

no man but a bloghead

That might be someone searching specifically for me! I’m humbled, but also a little reluctant to believe.

chinless brit

Really? We’re still doing this?

essay valley of fear sherlock holmes

I think someone wanted their homework done for them.

wich order to read the sherlock holmes books

I’ve read the novels first, and then the first short story collection. The wikipedia page has the dates of publication if you’d prefer to read in order. But other than Moriarty, who I think appears twice, and some mentions of Watson’s love life made in passing, they’re all stand alone stories, so pretty much any order works.

suits eternal law noonebutabloghead

More than one! I’m popular!

“satire is often described”

Yes, I’m sure it is.

why do cats stare out the window

Why do raindrops fall downward?

“rachel’s arms” “ross”

If I ever own a pub, I’m going to call it The Rachel’s Arms.
Well, I probably won’t, but I’ll recall the time it seemed like a good idea.

warwick davis nice guy?

Warwick Davis yes nice guy.

caroline aherne email address

I’m afraid I don’t have that, but I do have her phone number. Will that do?

spaceship with no background

That’s the way you want them. If your spaceship comes with a background, it’s as good as useless.

lego man killing man

Did he jump down his throat?

a rap about the queen of england

That sounds awesome.

warwick davis seems nice

I thought so as well.

pretty article

Unfortunately there’s only ugly articles here. And lots and lots of links.

in what year is the valley of fear set

Most of the Sherlock Holmes stories are set around the end of the 19th century, and early 20th, though I’m not totally sure on the years.
Holmes’ section of the Valley of Fear is set before Reichenbach Falls, and there’s a flashback section within the story.
So in short, I don’t know.

what happen when log into a domain

I recognise those words as vaguely internetty, but I’ve got no idea if that means anything. Sorry.

over thinking song lyrics

Does this count as a search for me? Unfortunately there appears to be a song called ‘Overthinking’, so probably not.

samantha flirt at work

That sounds like a line of a really inappropriate children’s book – ‘Flirt at work, Samantha, flirt at work!’

first meeting of the fa satire

Is this a request? There’s definitely potential there.

i liked eternal law

So did I!

where can i get the italian football lower leagues

Italy seems a good place to start?

warwick davis is an asshole.

No, we’ve already agreed he’s a nice guy.
I like how the searcher googles in complete sentences.

“why men wear panties”

This is worrying.

i will stand on my ground even you try to out me down

You might have been searching for Tom Petty’s ‘I Won’t Back Down’?
If so, the line is apparently ‘I will stand my ground, and I won’t back down’.

women looking throw the window

Throw it! Take it out and throw it!

mother of all inventions mockmentary

That mockumentary is here, but doesn’t seem to be very highly rated. Does sound like an interesting idea though.

“also like to draw your attention towards an interview on born offside with mark mcallister, the ‘video coach’ for”

What an oddly specific search. As a coincedence, I happen to have written a blog entry using that exact phrase!

stare at the window

Don’t stare out of it, stare at the glass itself.

keep calm and kill zombies

Always good advice.

hunedoara castle wikipedia

Apparently this is the home of Dracula. I don’t know how you got here, but I’ve learned something today, so thank you.

protagonist of the valley of fear

That would be Sherlock Holmes, or Jack McMurdo, if you’re looking for the slightly less well known protagonist.

favorite lower league english football teams

First of all, it’s good to see Americans show an interest in the English lower leagues.
And to answer your question, that would be Hartlepool United. They are everyone’s favourite lower league English football team.

liamneeson really on twitter

I don’t think so, but based on that documentary he did with Ricky Gervais and Warwick Davis, I’d really like to hear his comedy stylings.

travie mccoy on the voice 4/3/2012

I’ll have to make sure not to watch it then.

chinless person

And with that, I think I’m done.

Comedy

Every Little Helps

Ah, Tesco. The biggest supermarket in Britain and still growing, you set up new branches regardless of whether you’re wanted, and now, with the economic troubles setting in, you have to take on unpaid jobseekers just to maintain your position as an ultraprofitable company.

What else will you do to increase your profitability to ever more unimaginable levels?

Get involved in slavery!

Comedy

This is What Happens When Things Get Into the Public Domain

Sherlock Holmes is one of the classic characters of literature, and as such, has had his adventures turned into TV and movies, so people can share his adventures without all that pesky reading.

In fact, he’s suddenly so popular, that several franchises have taken advantage of Holmes being a public domain figure and produced alternate versions. There’s Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’ BBC TV version, Guy Ritchie’s films, and now a CBS TV series starring Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu.
Yes, really, that is an actual thing.

Over at The Leaky Wiki, I’ve uncovered the long term plans for the character:
Every Actor in The World to Play Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson

Comedy

What Would You Do With a Dead Maggie Thatcher?

My latest article is up at The Leaky Wiki.
Margaret Thatcher is not necessarily the most popular person in the country, particularly amongst liberals and the working class.
However, with the attention brought from a new Oscar winning biopic, there’s been more talk about her legacy in recent months.
Despite the negativity surrounding her, she is widely respected by many, mainly conservatives who see her as being a strong leader who steered the nation through difficult times. I’ve tried to write a balanced article to reflect this.

Half of British Public want Thatcher to have a State Funeral, Other Half Just Want Her to be Dead

How’s that for fair and balanced?

Comedy, FootballOpinion, Recaps

Hey – I forgot I had this blog!

Nine days without posting – if I don’t write more often, I’ll never clog up people’s inboxes.

Right. After spending a few days away, I missed a week of lower league column for Born Offside, and compensated with Born Offside’s first ever Lower League Fortnight.

Knowing my issues with reliability and consistency, I’m sure it won’t be the last time that happens.
This issue covered transfer movements, changes in management, Bournemouth paying a huge £800,000 transfer fee…it’s crazy, a tell thee.

I’m so happy to have signed for Bournemouth. Yayyyyyyy.

This past week, Fabio Capello, the Italian manager of the England national football team, walked out. It was the culmination of a long series of irritating events – the media attacked Capello for not walking on water, Wayne Rooney did something stupid and Capello didn’t stop him from doing it so is therefore dangerously incompetent, John Terry may or may not have said something potentially hugely offensive and faces a trial for it, Capello wanted to stick by him, his bosses didn’t, Capello told Italian television he wanted Terry to remain as captain.

Continue reading “Hey – I forgot I had this blog!”