Comedy

Strangest Search Terms 3: The Last 18 Months

This will be the third in a series, in which I continue ripping off an idea from 101 Books. If a search term brought you here to my blog, I can see the phrase that brought you here. Obviously I can’t connect it to you personally, but this is a useful method to find what the people who turn up here want.
It also gives me the opportunity to laugh at the weird terms that led here.

It’s about eighteen months since I last wrote one of these, so a few weird search terms have built up in that time.

          there are downsides to looking this pretty samantha brick     
          daily mail samantha brick there are downsides to looking this pretty           
          samantha brick there are downsides to looking this pretty     
          samantha brick article there are downsides to looking this pretty      
          samantha bricks      

It’s now over two years since I wrote a piece about a ‘famous for being a bit of an idiot’ Daily Mail journalist turned celebrity TV contestant called Samantha Brick, but she keeps popping up. All of these are separate search terms, all near the top ranked of my search terms over the past year.

          neanderthal modern clothing

Unfortunately, I’ve not got pictures of this, but the idea does sound inherently hilarious. Neanderthals are from the distant past, but modern clothing isn’t – what an anachronism!

          how to make transformers paper bonecrusher

 But if you make the robots out of paper, then what’s the point of the movies? They’re only there to sell toys, you heartless parasite.

          graham westley spoof blog

 Graham Westley is a football manager who walked out as manager and owner of Farnborough for a better deal at Stevenage, allowing his former club to collapse; used a Daily Mail article to praise himself for turning around Preston’s ‘cancerous environment’ when they were on a run of 1 win in 12 and shortly before he was sacked; and texted players in the middle of the night to give them the team news and motivational messages. As far as I can tell, there is no Graham Westley spoof blog, but there should be plenty of material for it.

          robot dreams read by michael

It’s a good book – a collection of some of Isaac Asimov’s best robot stories. Unfortunately the recording I have of the stories being read is by a guy called Nicholas, so I can’t help out there.

          huddersfield prostitute

 I was hoping to keep my day job compartmentalised from the blog.

          wales from space

I’m choosing to assume that there’s meant to be a ‘h’ in there, and that this is some sort of cartoon where the whales talk, shoot ray guns and trade quips based on the species of each whale.

          early episodes of friends are better

 I definitely agree with this. And, like this searcher, I also like to type random things I believe into a search engine, just for the validation. Things like ‘blue smarties are the best smarties’ and ‘Picard is a better captain than Kirk’.

          sitcom slippers

 I also like to co-ordinate my clothing with the genre of TV programme I’m watching. I’ve got a nice scifi hat, and a great set of western socks.

          bananas behaving badly

Damn bananas. Constantly coming down the stairs, often in pairs.

          bear grylls slash rps fanfic

Bear Grylls is the host of a nature show, and slash fanfic is a genre that creates a romantic coupling between characters who don’t normally pair up in the show or book they’re in. RPS is a… rocket propelled shotgun? Is there a less disturbing option there?

          lego people with guns killing

 I’m not sure that this exists, but given the success of what Michael Bay’s done with the Transformers franchise, there may well be a dark and gritty live action reboot of this year’s cartoon movie just around the corner.

That is, unless the death of civilisation comes beforehand, which is a distinct possibility.

FootballOpinion

One Week Plus One Week Equals One Fortnight

After missing last week, I’ve written a Lower League Fortnight, which has just gone live today.

Typically, there’s been some biggish stories breaking while the column was being checked over by the editor, but there’s still been a fair bit going on.

It was decided pretty quickly that Coventry were talking out of their backsides when trying to avoid a points deduction by claiming it’s only an arm of the club that’s gone into adiministration.

This place has caused them a hell of a lot of problems.
This place has caused them a hell of a lot of problems.

Walsall, Port Vale, and Portsmouth have all been in good form; Notts County and Stevenage have appointed new managers that the fans will be familiar with; the Football League Trophy final has been played, with a pro singing the anthems and everything; and Crawley Town decided to stop their local reporter interviewing their manager and players, because they didn’t like the headlines above a few of her articles.

Click here to read Lower League Fortnight – Happiness & Unicorns Edition

FootballOpinion

A Late Link to a Large Lower League Week (I Love ‘Literation)

I’ve been intending to link from here to everything I write elsewhere, but occasionally I have a massive memory lapse. So, seven days later, here is a short post linking to last week’s Lower League Week.

League Two’s bottom teams were fighting fiercely to break away from the relegation zone, while League One’s top sides seem intent on falling away from the top.

Mark Robins walked away from Coventry, Graham Westley was sacked by Preston, and Notts County spent about two minutes in court as a result of HMRC proceedings.

Hartlepool’s draw with Portsmouth made it seem that relegation had became a formality for both, and Torquay  have been without manager Martin Ling because of a ‘mystery illness’.

Click here to read The Lower League Week: Impossible to Predict

FootballOpinion

I Sort of Remembered to Leave a Link This Time…

Yesterday there I wrote a new edition of the Lower League Week for Born Offside.

Swindon’s new owners have pissed of Paolo di Canio, Bournemouth are doing quite well, the Dalai Llama has declared his support for a League Two side, Hartlepool United won (remarkable in itself) with the goals scored by Hartley and Poole, Dickov and Curle were sacked by Oldham and Notts County, while Graham Westley praised himself in the Daily Mail, in the week his Preston side set a new club record for home games without victory.

You can read all of that in The Lower League Week – Things Fall Apart

FootballOpinion

Bornoffside Bits

After missing the first scheduled Lower League Week of the year due to other commitments, today a Lower League Fortnight has gone up at Bornoffside.

In it, I write about lower league involvement in three different cups, Dean Saunders waiting for the moment he starts being quite good to leave his job (again) Port Vale spending money, Notts County’s chairman surfing the web, and Graham Westley was booed by his own fans on his anniversary.

Click here to read The Lower League Fortnight: Glory of the Cups

Not THAT kind of cup, silly!
                                                        Not THAT kind of cup, silly!

I’ve also had another in the series of African Cup of Nations previews published, this time for Togo.

Click here to read African Cup of Nations Group D Preview : Togo

All Bornoffside previews for the competition (and subsequent coverage) can be found at the Africa 2013 section

FootballOpinion

A Link to the Column with No Name (Like Clint Eastwood Before He Went Crazy)

Wednesday afternoon the latest edition of the Lower League Week went up… shortly before the announcement of Terry Brown’s departure from Wimbledon, and Mark Robins’ appointment at Coventry. If a week is a long time in politics, an afternoon is apparently a long time in lower division football.

I write about Steve Evans’ latest ban (the Rotherham manager probably has a worse disciplinary record than most midfield enforcers); Tranmere and Andy Robinson’s great start to the season, Coventry’s stadium negotiations, some of the impact of Financial Fair Play, and a transfer from League On to the Conference being delayed because it’s classed as an international transfer.

Wales is the bit that’s in red.
Because it’s the colour of dragons.
They’ve set everything on fire.

There wasn’t a clear theme to this week’s edition, so it’s subtitled The ‘I Couldn’t Think of a Title’ Edition.

FootballOpinion

Matches against Portsmouth and Brazil

A little late, as this post went up on Born Offside on Thursday night.

This week’s Lower League Week focuses on Port Vale, whose financial woes have deepened, with prospective owner Keith Ryder no longer returning the administrator’s calls.

No matter how long they waited, the call just wouldn’t come.

Harry Redknapp returned to football with Bournemouth, di Canio refused to stop talking, Preston have put together a decent run of results, an Oldham player made his international debut against Brazil, and Martin Allen took Gillingham to Barnet, who decided against appointing him manager in May.

Click here for the column in which I ask Where in the World is Keith Ryder?