Comedy

Toby Young’s Eugenics Speech

Toby Young has been mired in controversy this year, with the latest revelation being that he attended the London Conference on Intelligence, where several pseudoscientific arguments on the superiority of white and male genetics have been made over recent years.

I’ve decided to discover a memo written while constructing a speech delivered to the LCI. It might be real for all you know.

Lynne,

I’m sending you a draft copy of the speech I’m going to give to the secret eugenics conference, just to check on the scientific accuracy of my speech. [I’ll see what I can do. Though I’m not keen on the phrase ‘secret eugenics conference’.]

Welcome ladies and gentleman. And welcome also to the not so gentle men, such as the the guy in the third row with the swastika tattoo on his forehead. (Wait a moment for people to turn around.) I’m joking of course, there are no members of the working class here.

I’m here to talk to you today about eugenics, an area of science that has a negative reputation as the result of some misapplications in the 1930s and 40s. Because of these…unfortunate uses of eugenics – the whole genocide thing – many people reject the idea entirely out of hand. I personally have been no-platformed by Teach First, who deleted my blog on eugenics. [That’s not what no-platforming means. I’ve been rejected by many journals, you don’t have a right to be paid for your words in whatever publication you want.]

This conference has a long legacy of brave speakers, willing to challenge taboos. One of my predecessors at this podium, Emil Kirkegaard, argued that paedophiles should be allowed to rape sleeping children provided that they’re unaware of what’s done to them. Many of the ideas expressed at this conference and those like it will be considered controversial to mainstream ivory tower elites. But the development of new ideas requires debate. Without an in-depth discussion, can we really say for certain that it’s wrong for a paedophile to rape a sleeping child?

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Comedy

Predictions for 2018

As we enter 2018, here are a few predictions for the year ahead…

Donald Trump will be recorded on tape asking an aide if Narnia is a real place, and if “that’s where Islam comes from”. The White House’s official line will be that Trump was joking.

Ed Sheeran will release a bland and inoffensive acoustic song which will somehow infuriate half the planet.

Britain First’s Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen will break into a mosque and set Sikhs on fire in the street. When convicted of attempted murder they will release a statement criticising a ‘dangerous PC culture’ which makes it ‘impossible to stand up against foreign invaders’, ‘even when they look a bit brown’.

Trailers for the new Han Solo film will infuriate fans by introducing two new characters who previously didn’t have their own Wookiepedia page.

Manchester City will win the Premier League with a record 100 points. Jose Mourinho will say that Manchester City’s budget is solely responsible, and demand Manchester United break the world transfer record again. Manchester United finish fifth.

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Comedy

Sturgeon v May – Who’s Sexier?

The Daily Mail has set social media buzzing today with a front page that compares the legs of the UK’s Prime Minister and Scotland’s First Minister. But there’s been less coverage of the superficial, transparently biased, and oddly sexualised article that accompanied the headline.

I decided to exclusively uncover an early draft of the article.

One was relaxed, every inch a stateswoman while her opposite number was tense and uncomfortable: we don’t know how headlines work

By Mrs Michael Gove

Legend – or rather Hollywood – has it that the Scottish knight William Wallace daubed himself head-to-toe in blue woad paint to defeat the English army at the Battle of Stirling Bridge in 1297. Centuries later, Nicola Sturgeon has gone one step further. Yes, further! Whereas Wallace took the time to paint his entire body, Sturgeon wore a blue dress, the silly mare.

While Sturgeon has worn a dress that is dark blue with white trim, May worse a blue jacket. The difference is obvious.

Intentional or otherwise, the First Minister’s nutty blue suit with white piping and matching light-coloured stilettos were unmistakably reminiscent of the Scottish flag, a subliminal if not entirely subtle indication of her feelings towards Westminster.

The Prime Minister’s gorgeous blue jacket was more reminiscent of the blue parts of the Union Jack. Her union-jacket, if you will.

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Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Developing World Objects to The Label ‘Developing World’, Finds it Patronising

Continuing my effort to repost all my material from The Leaky Wiki, the latest post is from January 2012. It’s not particularly topical, and if I’m honest, it’s not one of my best, but as it’s not topical at all, it’s aged well. I think that’s lowered expectations sufficently.

You can see this in it’s original context here, or carry on reading.

Developing World Objects to The Label ‘Developing World’, Finds it Patronising

UN_General_Assembly_hall by Patrick Gruban       Taken from Wikimedia CommonsIn a staggeringly short five hour speech at the UN yesterday, the ambassador from the recently re-named Developmentistan criticised the terminology used in defining the wealth of nations.
“It is about time you know how we feel about you in the west,” he announced from the podium, speaking in that unusual manner where individual syllables were pronounced slowly and slightly oddly, as people of his nation do. “You are so full of yourselves! Oh, we have reached a good point, you aren’t as good as us, and must be arbitrarily judged by our standards at any given moment. I mean, give me a break!” He paused dramatically, and wiped the sweat away from his brow. “You still have children dying in poverty, despite having the medication right there in your own country. How about you get down off your high horses, and realise that we are people too, just like you? Wouldn’t that be a nice thing to do?”

The country was renamed Developmentistan last month, in what has been widely construed as some sort of sarcastic jibe taken too far. Many media commentators have pointed out that roadsigns, hospitals and airports will have to be renamed and relabelled, at massive expense.

Sarcasm analysts believe this is the most expensive sarcasm related incident since a producer on the set of Waterworld angrily joked ‘why don’t we put Costner in charge? After all he’s a BRILLIANT director! He did SUCH a good job on The Postman!’

“At least when you called us the ‘Third World’ you were honest about how you saw us,” continued the ambassador, as he drew towards the end of his five hour speech, remarkably short by UN standards. “At least that was good, honest condesencion. We knew where we stood with that kind of attitude! We knew that you saw our society as inferior not only to your own, but to the communists who sent millions of their citizens to death camps! But now… Now….” He paused, looking very slowly around the hall, as if he was perhaps trying to make eye contact with each of his fellow ambassadors, perhaps to induce feelings of guilt in them. “Exactly what makes a country developed? Hmm?’ He paused, once more. “I bet you don’t even know where my country is, do you?”

Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Rick Perry speaks out against women, friendship in the military

America can be a scary place. In America, corporations are considered to be people, people who speak via the medium of money, and are allowed to refuse to pay for their employees’ healthcare for religious reasons.

It’s also a country where, in 2012, a major Republican politician, while running for President, could say that gays are weird, on camera, on purpose, and expect it to help rather than hinder his challenge for president.

Scarier still, he was probably right.

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Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Keith Olbermann’s Wife Forces Him to Help out Around the House, Named as ‘Worst Person in the World’

Reading satire written years before, it turns out, can mean that what was once topical is no longer memorable.

Do you remember what Current TV was? Probably not. There’s a decent chance you don’t recognise Keith Olbermann, who, to a British audience is probably best described as a real world equivalent of The Newsroom’s Will McAvoy. You can view a sample of his work on youtube – he later left MSNBC to start a new news channel, which is where I (fictionally) came in.

Continue reading “The Leaky Wiki: Keith Olbermann’s Wife Forces Him to Help out Around the House, Named as ‘Worst Person in the World’”

Comedy

Strangest Search Terms 3: The Last 18 Months

This will be the third in a series, in which I continue ripping off an idea from 101 Books. If a search term brought you here to my blog, I can see the phrase that brought you here. Obviously I can’t connect it to you personally, but this is a useful method to find what the people who turn up here want.
It also gives me the opportunity to laugh at the weird terms that led here.

It’s about eighteen months since I last wrote one of these, so a few weird search terms have built up in that time.

          there are downsides to looking this pretty samantha brick     
          daily mail samantha brick there are downsides to looking this pretty           
          samantha brick there are downsides to looking this pretty     
          samantha brick article there are downsides to looking this pretty      
          samantha bricks      

It’s now over two years since I wrote a piece about a ‘famous for being a bit of an idiot’ Daily Mail journalist turned celebrity TV contestant called Samantha Brick, but she keeps popping up. All of these are separate search terms, all near the top ranked of my search terms over the past year.

          neanderthal modern clothing

Unfortunately, I’ve not got pictures of this, but the idea does sound inherently hilarious. Neanderthals are from the distant past, but modern clothing isn’t – what an anachronism!

          how to make transformers paper bonecrusher

 But if you make the robots out of paper, then what’s the point of the movies? They’re only there to sell toys, you heartless parasite.

          graham westley spoof blog

 Graham Westley is a football manager who walked out as manager and owner of Farnborough for a better deal at Stevenage, allowing his former club to collapse; used a Daily Mail article to praise himself for turning around Preston’s ‘cancerous environment’ when they were on a run of 1 win in 12 and shortly before he was sacked; and texted players in the middle of the night to give them the team news and motivational messages. As far as I can tell, there is no Graham Westley spoof blog, but there should be plenty of material for it.

          robot dreams read by michael

It’s a good book – a collection of some of Isaac Asimov’s best robot stories. Unfortunately the recording I have of the stories being read is by a guy called Nicholas, so I can’t help out there.

          huddersfield prostitute

 I was hoping to keep my day job compartmentalised from the blog.

          wales from space

I’m choosing to assume that there’s meant to be a ‘h’ in there, and that this is some sort of cartoon where the whales talk, shoot ray guns and trade quips based on the species of each whale.

          early episodes of friends are better

 I definitely agree with this. And, like this searcher, I also like to type random things I believe into a search engine, just for the validation. Things like ‘blue smarties are the best smarties’ and ‘Picard is a better captain than Kirk’.

          sitcom slippers

 I also like to co-ordinate my clothing with the genre of TV programme I’m watching. I’ve got a nice scifi hat, and a great set of western socks.

          bananas behaving badly

Damn bananas. Constantly coming down the stairs, often in pairs.

          bear grylls slash rps fanfic

Bear Grylls is the host of a nature show, and slash fanfic is a genre that creates a romantic coupling between characters who don’t normally pair up in the show or book they’re in. RPS is a… rocket propelled shotgun? Is there a less disturbing option there?

          lego people with guns killing

 I’m not sure that this exists, but given the success of what Michael Bay’s done with the Transformers franchise, there may well be a dark and gritty live action reboot of this year’s cartoon movie just around the corner.

That is, unless the death of civilisation comes beforehand, which is a distinct possibility.