Comedy

Strangest Search Terms – November to April

One of the features of the WordPress dashboard is a list of the search terms that lead to the blog.
This means that if a search term brought you here, I can tell what you typed into Google, Yahoo or even Ask.com. Of course I could tell what you wanted anyway, as I’m an internet based telepath, but it’s interesting to see the terms people have used.
I’m planning to steal an idea I’ve seen over at 101 Books, and look at some search terms that the blog itself wasn’t able to match up. I’ll do what I can to help some of the people who were unfortunate enough to wash up on my shore when they had somewhere else to be, and try for a cheap laugh at some of the stranger terms.

no audience

No joke, this is one of the highest search term leading here. If it wasn’t enough that I don’t have much of an audience yet, I’m apparently most famous for not having an audience.

chinless people

Strange, but there’s always going to be one or two slightly unusual phrases turn up. Probably just a one off.

chinless

Oh.

michael bay is awful

I’m actually on the first page of results for this. Strange, I would have there’d be a lot of people talking about Michael Bay’s awfulness.
A tip for anyone looking to increase the number of hits to their blog – think of phrases you’d think would be fairly common, use Google to find the ones that aren’t, and use them as tags.

samantha beck daily mail

If she’s apparently trying to make a fortune out of being a windup merchant, saying the most outrageous things, I’m glad people are getting her name wrong. And I hope people continue to get Samantha Dreck’s name wrong.

did samantha brick

I’m afraid I don’t know, did she?

walking dead star trek

I’d not thought of it before, but that would make a great crossover. I’ve they use the current, young cast, they’ll have to give Scotty a cricket bat.

lego german men

What makes them German, specifically? Given the colour that they come in, I’m just glad people aren’t assuming they’re Chinese or Korean.

hartlepool united tall girl -ships

This seems like it’s two or three searches that got mixed up together.
A hint – delete the previous search before typing the new one.

chinless zombie

Not this again. Is this some sort of racial stereotype? Because if you’re a racist googler, I don’t think that racism’s very nice.

is warwick davis a jerk

I don’t think so. He was playing a jerk in Life’s Too Short, but seemed too nice to pull it off.

bananas behaving badly

Do they ever behave well? You turn your back for five minutes and they go all mushy.

chinless man

Okay, I’m going to deal with this.
Even though the people of NATION may look ridiculous, grouping them together is a little offensive. Yes, they do have that trait that is more developed than in people of other nations, but they are still people, and I’m sure there’d be one or two of your traits that make the same impression on them. One of the traits we, as outsiders, associate with the culture of NATION, in addition to their lack of chins, is their excessive spending/young workers in sweatshops/having stiff, unexpressive faces, but that doesn’t make them zombies.

https://noonebutabloghead.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/journalist.jpg

That’s a very specific search.

lego man sodger

I named my lego men with random sounds when I was growing up as well. I had a king Roshaff and a soldier called Elmff. Elmff took off his hair and put Roshaff’s crown on, and no-one could remember which one was which.

boyfriend chinless

Just because he’s your boyfriend, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be (possibly) racist towards him.

awkwardness of sex

Should I be glad that whoever this was got here, or worried about my reputation?

tescos promotional mix

Is this their equivelant of Woolworths’ Pick n Mix?

there is still doubt

Or is there?

lego man in space moves web

Is this a really low-budget scifi epic? Perhaps our hero has to battle a giant spacespider, who has spun a web that’s trapping Earth’s spaceships inside. Can the spacemen overcome the nefarious Spacespiders, or will they conquer the Earth? Den den dern!

wooden lego man

Part of me thinks this may be two sentences combined. What’s that you say doc, I have to use a wooden leg? Oh man!

best crossbow for the money 2011

I love the thought that there’s people wanting to buy outdated and horrifically dangerous medieval weapons, but who still want to spend their money wisely.

are plumbers needed in qatar for the world cup

I don’t know, but if they were, looking on a random WordPress blog would be the best place to find out.

smokink pauos lesbies kom

I can’t be certain, but three of those four words appear to be potentially dirty words spelled badly. Did someone’s search for porn end in disappointment?

smokink lesbies pauos kom

If at first you don’t succeed, rearrange the exact same words, and try again.

no man but a bloghead

That might be someone searching specifically for me! I’m humbled, but also a little reluctant to believe.

chinless brit

Really? We’re still doing this?

essay valley of fear sherlock holmes

I think someone wanted their homework done for them.

wich order to read the sherlock holmes books

I’ve read the novels first, and then the first short story collection. The wikipedia page has the dates of publication if you’d prefer to read in order. But other than Moriarty, who I think appears twice, and some mentions of Watson’s love life made in passing, they’re all stand alone stories, so pretty much any order works.

suits eternal law noonebutabloghead

More than one! I’m popular!

“satire is often described”

Yes, I’m sure it is.

why do cats stare out the window

Why do raindrops fall downward?

“rachel’s arms” “ross”

If I ever own a pub, I’m going to call it The Rachel’s Arms.
Well, I probably won’t, but I’ll recall the time it seemed like a good idea.

warwick davis nice guy?

Warwick Davis yes nice guy.

caroline aherne email address

I’m afraid I don’t have that, but I do have her phone number. Will that do?

spaceship with no background

That’s the way you want them. If your spaceship comes with a background, it’s as good as useless.

lego man killing man

Did he jump down his throat?

a rap about the queen of england

That sounds awesome.

warwick davis seems nice

I thought so as well.

pretty article

Unfortunately there’s only ugly articles here. And lots and lots of links.

in what year is the valley of fear set

Most of the Sherlock Holmes stories are set around the end of the 19th century, and early 20th, though I’m not totally sure on the years.
Holmes’ section of the Valley of Fear is set before Reichenbach Falls, and there’s a flashback section within the story.
So in short, I don’t know.

what happen when log into a domain

I recognise those words as vaguely internetty, but I’ve got no idea if that means anything. Sorry.

over thinking song lyrics

Does this count as a search for me? Unfortunately there appears to be a song called ‘Overthinking’, so probably not.

samantha flirt at work

That sounds like a line of a really inappropriate children’s book – ‘Flirt at work, Samantha, flirt at work!’

first meeting of the fa satire

Is this a request? There’s definitely potential there.

i liked eternal law

So did I!

where can i get the italian football lower leagues

Italy seems a good place to start?

warwick davis is an asshole.

No, we’ve already agreed he’s a nice guy.
I like how the searcher googles in complete sentences.

“why men wear panties”

This is worrying.

i will stand on my ground even you try to out me down

You might have been searching for Tom Petty’s ‘I Won’t Back Down’?
If so, the line is apparently ‘I will stand my ground, and I won’t back down’.

women looking throw the window

Throw it! Take it out and throw it!

mother of all inventions mockmentary

That mockumentary is here, but doesn’t seem to be very highly rated. Does sound like an interesting idea though.

“also like to draw your attention towards an interview on born offside with mark mcallister, the ‘video coach’ for”

What an oddly specific search. As a coincedence, I happen to have written a blog entry using that exact phrase!

stare at the window

Don’t stare out of it, stare at the glass itself.

keep calm and kill zombies

Always good advice.

hunedoara castle wikipedia

Apparently this is the home of Dracula. I don’t know how you got here, but I’ve learned something today, so thank you.

protagonist of the valley of fear

That would be Sherlock Holmes, or Jack McMurdo, if you’re looking for the slightly less well known protagonist.

favorite lower league english football teams

First of all, it’s good to see Americans show an interest in the English lower leagues.
And to answer your question, that would be Hartlepool United. They are everyone’s favourite lower league English football team.

liamneeson really on twitter

I don’t think so, but based on that documentary he did with Ricky Gervais and Warwick Davis, I’d really like to hear his comedy stylings.

travie mccoy on the voice 4/3/2012

I’ll have to make sure not to watch it then.

chinless person

And with that, I think I’m done.

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